so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
