You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
