i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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