Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
