Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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