I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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