Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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