Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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