She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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