OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
