I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize