can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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