life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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