I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
