So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
