I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
