Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
im six kinds of drunk right now
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
