He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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