my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
