i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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