May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
