I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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