Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
It's no shave November. This is our time.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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