Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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