Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
How does one acquire holy water?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize