This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
