put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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