9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
