He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize