If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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