i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
