if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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