I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
