I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Randomize