Swine flu. Run for my life!
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
