Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
