Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
