Jerry, you need to find god
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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