Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
