btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Randomize
