Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize
