if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
