Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Do you remember whose house we're in?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
