Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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