How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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