Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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