My room smells like vodka and shame
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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