Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
