Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
