yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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