friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
My ATM looks so different sober.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
