I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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