My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
