I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Is her dick bigger than yours?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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