well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
