please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
