John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
