Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
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