Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
