So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
